Like a stranger

Yesterday, I felt like a stranger in my own home. Not because of her, she is perfect, amazing, beautiful and lovely. I felt like a stranger because of my very self. I got lost in my own darkness; I got caught on my own nightmares. I allowed the saddest part of me to take hold. For four months I had to stay away from home, but now that she is here, I keep messing things up. Being an insecure person is not easy to manage, sometimes I'm strong; sometimes I'm not. She always tries to cheer me up, but I'm stubborn and most of the times I don't listen to her and I run away. But deep inside there is no other place I rather be than home. I also hate myself sometimes for being so weak and unable to gather the strength I need in order to not drag her into my  problems. She cares so much about me, more than any other before. It is just sad to be me.  I feel like I'm not enough, not matter how many times she says she loves me, I demand more and more of me, I want to be enough, to be more, to be more than a simple teacher. I feel like I'm lost in translation. I'm lost in myself. I don't know who I am. I don't  recognize myself. I don't fit in me. I'm caged in a body that is ugly; I'm caged in a body that is disgusting to look at. I'm caged in a body that no matter what I do will never be me. No matter what I do this body will always merely be a shadow of my desire, a shadow of my true self that I only see when I close my eyes and daydream about days that I'll never live. I'm trying to change; trying to find enough willpower to be better to be another me, to make her proud, to be worthy of her, to be like I always wanted to be. Enough strength to make her happy, to make me happy, and to keep us happy. I'm struggling. I want to belong. I want to fit. I want to be accepted. I don't want to be a stranger in my own home never again.